Over the past 3 years, I have lost many friends, and several of my own family members have completely cut off communication with me. I now know that these are “adults” who just cannot handle the fact that I have the right to make choices, and that these choices ultimately hardly even affect them.
1/17/15 – Editor’s note: Due to the large number of interview requests, I have extended an invitation to the author to post her response to the comments and general negative feelings towards her. I will post an update as soon as she responds.
In the spring of 2012, I found out that I was pregnant. I had a good idea who the donator was, but money wasn’t really an issue, and I knew that I would be a good mother-like figure for the child by myself. I have always believed in the right for all women to have a choice in terminating their pregnancy, but when I confirmed the diagnosis about a month into into it, I decided that I WAS ready to have this child.
My journey has taken me to many different places fighting for women’s rights and carrying the banner of the Feminist Movement, even to the point of eschewing a career. One of the more prominent themes that I saw in these places was that men generally would look down on us, refuse to help us, or hardly even lend an ear so that we could air our grievances. This didn’t surprise me, the patriarchy has been well entrenched since the dawn of time, but here I was, here I am, ready to change it.
One of the more alarming incidents happened while I was on my way to San Francisco to participate in an Occupy Wall Street rally. I sat down in my seat on the plane, which happened to be extra full for that day, and a particularly well dressed man happened to be sitting in the seat beside me, in the aisle. After takeoff, he asked me what I was going to San Francisco for, while I generally wouldn’t talk to a man sitting next to me on an airplane, I told him I was going to the OWS rally.
The man literally scoffed when I spoke those words and leaned in and quietly said to me “B****** like you need to learn their place”. Stunned, I screamed “ASSAULT!” while other passengers looked at us, the woman across the aisle from him immediately told him to get away from me, but not 5 seconds passed before a flight attendant had rushed over to intervene.
As I explained to the flight attendant what had happened and I demanded to move seats, I was told that there were only 2 other open seats available, both back in Economy.
*Trigger warning* – Extreme patriarchy
By this time, a male flight attendant was on the scene and I told him to have the man moved. The woman-hater just laughed as the flight attendant continued to press me on if he made any physical contact with me. For a moment, I contemplated bending the truth in order to get the woman-hater away from me. His words had violated both my feelings, and my trust, perhaps as much of a violation as actual physical touch. In the end, I confirmed that no physical contact was made, to which both flight attendants told me they couldn’t make him move.
I was flabbergasted, and then betrayed as they recommended that I move to one of the empty seats. This left me in tears. I knew the only way to get away was to move seats so I did so tearfully and having felt as though I had been verbally and emotionally raped.
By the time we landed, my outlook had changed, I could no longer depend on men to be an ally of the cause.
As spring turned into summer and my belly started to grow, my mind ran wild with the thoughts of teaching my daughter from a young age tolerance and feminist ideals. Choosing the right all-girls daycare, then elementary school, all so that she could grow up and thrive in an environment where women are told that they can do anything that they want to do. No man will be around to hurt her progress, no boys there to demean her or call her names.
I had already started buying gender neutral clothing since I did not want outside influences affecting what gender she would ultimately become. My research on nannies one day came to an abrupt end when my cell phone alarm went off – time for my 5 month appointment. These early appointments had gone well enough, my baby was progressing in a healthy manner.
Today, my doctor, who I will call “Sandy” did an ultrasound and everything appeared to be fine. “Would you like to know the gender?” Sandy asked. I thought to myself “That machine is an ultrasound, not a crystal ball, you couldn’t tell me the gender of my baby even if you wanted to”
“Sure” was my response.
“It’s a boy”…..
“What?” I managed to sputter. Sandy then showed me on the ultrasound how exactly my body had betrayed me even worse than the misogynistic suit jockey on the airplane so many months before. I was in shock, I started crying, weeping at the thought of what I was about to curse the world with.
On my way home, my driver asked if I was ok and if I needed anything. “JUST STOP RIGHT HERE” I yelled. Deciding to walk the 4 blocks back home. My home became my prison and my fetus became my warden the next 48 hours. Crying, sobbing, uncontrollable weeping, mental anguish the likes of which may only be experienced by those who have had their lives destroyed by war, I was a refugee, and my home was my refugee camp, an unfamiliar place that was just….sheltering me.
By the third day, I started regaining some of my mental strength and knew what I had to do. I couldn’t bring another monster into the world. We already have enough enemies as it is. It didn’t matter that I would be raising a son, he would still come into contact with boys, men, perhaps even the suit jockey who would inevitably twist his carefully constructed upbringing with their kindness. He would think “These men aren’t so bad, why would mom say that they are holding me down?”
Not all men are bad, my driver showed genuine concern for my well-being that day and I may have taken my anger out on him. That may have been uncalled for. But I knew what I had to do.
A few days later, I went in for the procedure, as it was fairly later in my pregnancy, I was aware there were certain risks, but it went off without a hitch. My body’s betrayal was no more, I was free, and for the first time since the airplane incident, I felt strong. I had done something positive, something that would actually make a difference, something good, even though as I would find out, many others wouldn’t see it that way.
Today, I have a beautiful 1 year old female who will hopefully grow up to be just as strong and driven as her mother. I have endured a lot regarding my first pregnancy, but I don’t care. Sometimes, even allies will turn on you, but I don’t care.
I stand by my decision to abort my baby because it was a male.
I don’t hate men, I hate the patriarchy, what men, and even some women, turn into, I wasn’t going to let that happen with my offspring. The chances were greater that it would with a male, it was unacceptable.
If the curse returns, I would do the exact same thing all over again.
TL:DR womans meets an asshole on a plane, who happens to be a man, falsely claims assault and 5 MONTHS aborts a boy because it’s a boy EVEN THOUGH she made a point of raising her girl gender neutral.
Doesn’t all-girl daycare and schooling just reinforce the gender divide, telling boys and girls they are defined by their sex?
This is not meant to be hateful or condescending so please please read this. I feel like you’re taking the wrong mentality with this. Part of how we change society is by teaching our children. If your child is a boy, you can help change society by teaching him that misogyny is wrong and to treat women with respect and equality. He would then, in turn pass that on to his children, and so on, and so forth. I’m not saying a girl doesn’t also have the power to change things for the better but when the issue lies with the way men think, you had a chance to bring a respectful male into the world who would then be helping to pass on that mentality. I support a woman’s right to an abortion because there are several reasons why it might be necessary. Be it an inability to care for the child, the woman’s life being in danger, or an unwanted pregnancy due to rape, just to name a few. However I feel the gender of your child is not a valid reason as it’s extremely superficial and even somewhat hypocritical, especially when gender is a social construct anyway. Nothing can be changed and what you’ve done cannot be taken back so I won’t dwell on it and berate you for it but I do sincerely hope that if you ever have any more children, please give them all an equal chance, regardless of gender. If the child is a boy, use it as an opportunity to teach them what’s right so they can pass it down. If the child is a girl, then teach them to be strong like you currently are with your daughter. The gender of your child should never matter and by being selective, all you’re doing is supporting inequality in either gender.
AGREED! Doesn’t matter the gender of your child, it is your child so you get to teach them what you think is right and they will pick that up and teach it to more people, male or female. Boy children are not born with any hatred for women. They are born with compassion and love for their mother and or other caretaker. Their mother, father, or other caretakers are who teach the child who to hate, not their assigned gender.
’’Teach them to be strong like you currently are’’….
You are a sick and twisted individual. A man hater like no other. Having a young child that is male, it makes me think that you could just abort it because it was a boy. You don’t deserve to have children if you discriminate based on their sex. You are no worse than all the men who are misogynist.
Although I am very much pro choice, I find your reasoning flawed and disturbing. I hope you won’t damage your child with your vitriol.
And where is the gender equality, if you are ready to abort at the first sign that it is a boy.
Your loss. Your son would have loved you with all his heart. You would have been the most beautiful woman in the world to him. You would have been the most important person in his life forever.
You won’t know the caring, loving man he could have been. You won’t know how great men can be…how great your son could have been. Your loss.
You are not a Feminist. You are a misandrist, plain and simple.
that’s the most immature thing done by a sane adult.
You clearly have no idea what assault is.
While I find the choice horrendous, I can’t fault the logic involved. If abortion is truly a woman’s choice, then what business is it of ours to question the reasons behind her choice? As I see it, there are only two possibilities*:
A fetus is a meaningless bundle of tissue, without whatever makes life worthy of protection.
A fetus is a human being.
If the first is true, then what difference does it make why she had the abortion? It was a lifeless ball of inanimate matter. It was no more legally or morally wrong than choosing to play checkers, or choosing not to. And if the second is true, again, why should it matter? Aborting for ANY reason would be murder. (health reasons may leave no alternative, but the result is still a purposefully dead child) In either case, the reasoning behind the decision to abort is irrelevant. The only question is whether the concept of abortion (for non-health reasons) is morally defensible.
*Of course, it’s entirely possible that a fetus is both, starting as lifeless, then becoming human at some point. In that case, no one knows when that transition occurs, leaving us again with only the above two choices.
That was disturbing and sad.
Um…not clear on how a fetus can be called a ‘boy.’ It could easily have been a trans girl, gay boy or non-binary person. It would certainly have been a feminist.
So, what was a wealthy person who flies first class and has a chauffeur doing going to an OWS rally?
Question for Lana (the mother): What are you going to tell your little girl, when she finds out that she’s actually only alive because mommy couldn’t stomach raising a boy? Don’t you think that’s going to produce a dent in her self-confidence, and maybe even her attitude towards feminism?
I am shocked and disgusted at this. YOU my dear are not a feminist, aborting your child because it’s a boy :-0.. The anger that fills me right now can not be put into words. Women like you give the rest of us who are feminists an awful name.
I have a son, I adore him and he’s my world. . My husband is an amazing caring smart guy whom i hope my son takes after and we’ll do our best to help him grown into a wonder man.
All I see from this is hatred of men instead of thinking you could have helped bring a wonderful man into the world you chose to KILL him. . It’s heartbreaking.
I’m not against abortion for the RIGHT reasons.. Medical or rape but because it’s the wrong gender??????.
Feminist you are not! And I as one am ashamed of you
Love how you delete hateful comments so much for freedom of speech.
Let me start by saying this: I totally respect and support the right of every woman to decide whether or not to carry a pregnancy to term. For any reason at all. A pregnancy has all sorts of effects on the body (and the mind) and while I find the slogan “my body, my choice” a bit too slogan-ish, I consider it basically correct.
Now, I do think it is too late for an abortion once the fetus could be kept alive outside the womb, but that is a different discussion.
But I have just had a look into my crystal ball and learned a few interesting about your daughter:
In one to two years, she will find out that she has a sex — that she is a girl. And she will strongly defend that. She will love Arielle and Barbie and all things pink. She will want to be a princess for Halloween.
Maybe you will try to push her in a different direction. You will give her a toy car. She will cuddle it, give it a name and put it to bed. Then you will give her a toy plane. She will make sure the plane becomes friends with the car and put them to bed together. You will give her toy tools. She will use the hammer as a baby bottle to feed the plane and the car. And she’ll still like pink.
Sure, you will try to reason with her, argue with her, maybe shout at her. But that won’t change anything. At the most, she will learn not to talk about what she likes because it upsets mommy; in that case, you will not have liberated her, you will have broken her.
Eventually she will learn what you did. That you betrayed her out of having an elder brother. An elder brother who would have loved her, cherished her, protected her. Maybe you will be able to outwardly convince her that your decision and your reasons were right. But deep inside she will despise you.
And somewhere around 13 to 16 years of age she will start to rebel. On whatever the internet looks like then, she will find intelligent, thoughful and outspoken women like Erin Pizzey, Karen Staughan and the rest of the Honey Badgers. She will listen to what they have to say, see that it has merit and she will think of what you did to her brother.
And she will become a vocal Men’s Human Rights Activist. You will have raised the next leader of the MHRM. Just by being who you are, doing what you do.
Like making light of a horrendous crime. A man on a plane says something mean to you and you have the gall to claim you feel like you had been raped? Can you even imagine how reading such a sentence must feel to an actual victim of rape?
But maybe you do. Everything that you write makes it very clear that you are harboring some kind of trauma. Maybe something really bad happened to you at some point in your life, maybe you even inherited it from your parents.
But one thing is very clear: Joining a hateful ideology is not a healthy and productive way to process trauma. Therapy is.
What the author is describing, frankly, is full-on, cold-blooded, willful, premeditated murder, and a hate crime against that. Misandry doesn’t begin to cover it. Whatever wrongs you may have suffered in your life, you had no right take it out on your child like that. That’s flat-out inhuman. And yes, you earned every bit of derision and disgust expressed in these comments.
“One of the more alarming incidents happened while I was on my way to San Francisco to participate in an Occupy Wall Street rally.” “……and I demanded to move seats, I was told that there were only 2 other open seats available, both back in Economy.”
*Trigger warning* – Extreme Sense of entitlement coupled with a shocking lack of self awareness.
There is no love that is like the love a son feels for his mother. From infancy, tiny hands clutching helplessly, embracing the loving warmth of his mother’s touch, to the childhood years of bumps and bruises and the tender healing love that only a mother provides.
And you threw that all away. There are no going back. When you are lying down at night in bed, cold and alone, maybe then you’ll feel consequence. When your bed is a few degrees colder, and the spot next to you is empty and barren, where someone with absolute love and adoration could have been, nestled lovingly against you.