Yes, I’m a Guy. Yes, I was Raped

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There are plenty of people out there who have no idea what it is like to be raped, and I really hope they never have to experience how terrible it is. I’ve told my story to people dozens of times, and the main response is usually “You’re a guy, you can’t be raped.”

Yes, men can be raped, it happened to me.

When you mention the term “rape at a college party” to someone, they are almost always going to ask questions based on the fact that they think a woman got raped. I will admit that there are probably more women than men who get raped at college parties, but it shouldn’t demean what happened to me.

I went to a party with a group of friends, my girlfriend decided to stay in for that night. Throughout the night, I noticed that I was probably drinking more than everyone else in the group. It was a fun party, good music, good people, a good time. Unfortunately, I ended up drinking a lot and didn’t feel too great after a couple of hours. We all decided to head back to the dorms, and my friends had to help me walk to a cab.

One of the friends helping me was a girl who I was not attracted to at all, but who was a very good friend of one of the girls in our group. During the drive back, I could feel her hand getting uncomfortably close to my crotch, I knocked it away and thought that was the end of that.

At my dorm, two of my friends and the other girl helped me into my bed, they took off my jeans and my shirt and left. As I was laying there in the dark, about 2 minutes later, I heard the door open. I figured it was my roommate, but was surprised when the light turned on and it was the other girl.

I wasn’t a very big guy at the time, 5’6 and maybe 120 pounds. She was substantially heavier than I was, and jumped on top of me. I told her “no”, and she ripped the cover off of me and proceeded to rub my penis with her hand. I kept saying no and tried pushing her away, but she forced me to lay down on the bed.

As I was pushed back into a laying position, I could feel her opening the hole of my boxers, and take out my penis. I cried as she performed oral sex on me.

After 5 to 10 minutes of me constantly saying no, and her realizing that I was not going to get an erection, she got off of me, called me a “faggot”, then left.

I had no idea what to do, I was drunk, I was angry, I was scared, so I decided to just sleep. After just a few hours I woke up, still angry, scared, and hungover. I frantically tried calling my girlfriend who was not answering at 6 in the morning. I called the friend who was friends with my rapist and told her what happened and her exact words were “Oh..cheating isn’t cool, I won’t tell your girlfriend but it’s a scummy thing to do”

I was flabbergasted, my friend didn’t believe that I got raped. My girlfriend finally called back, and when I explained to her the situation she started crying, demanding to know why I cheated on her, how I could do that to her, we were in love! I kept telling her I didn’t want it and that I was too drunk to stop a much bigger person than me. She didn’t believe it, and broke up with me on the spot.

My girlfriend and I had been dating for 2 years, she was amazing, and I decided I wasn’t going to lose her. I would prove that I was raped, but had no idea where to start. I told my best friend from my hometown what happened and he suggested I tell the police. I figured the police would laugh me right out of the police station.

Close.

I went to the closest city police station and told them what happened. The officer told me to talk to a detective, I shared my story again, and he referred me to the campus police. Annoyed, I went to the campus police and told them what happened. They said they would look into it if I told them the girl’s name, which I didn’t know. When I told them this, and also the name of the girl who was friends with her, they said again that they would look into it, but that nothing is probably going to happen.

Throughout this whole process I felt terrible, like I was the one in trouble. Then, one of the officers asked if I had any proof of both my drinking, and the sexual contact. My boxers from the night before were in my laundry basket, that would have her DNA on it.

The next day, I was called by campus police and told to bring the boxers in, assuming I hadn’t washed them yet. They said they were going to attempt to corroborate my story, I gladly gave them the boxers and also gave a sworn statement about what happened, that I was drunk, repeatedly told her no, and that I didn’t want the oral sex to happen.

Weeks passed, meanwhile, my college friends stopped being my friends, they told me that I shouldn’t make up lies about getting with their friend. That she wouldn’t even want to be with me anyway, there is no way she would have ever raped me. I was known around my dorm as “the guy who claimed a fat girl raped him”. People kept telling me I couldn’t get raped, it was impossible. I kept telling them I hoped they would never have to go through what I did.

About a week before 1st semester finals, I was called in to make a statement to a disciplinary committee. I told them exactly what happened, they kept telling me it was ok to say I made it all up, or that I wasn’t really raped. I didn’t, I told them the truth.

Two days later I was called in to the campus police department. There, I was given a wonderful Christmas present, my rapist was being expelled from the school. I was happy, but I wanted to know what I needed to do in order to see this through in court.

The officer told me she was being expelled for lying to the campus police multiple times, a lab was able to get her DNA from my boxers when she claimed she never had any sexual contact with me whatsoever. Surveillance footage from the dorm’s front door also disproved her story that she immediately went home right behind the other 2 people who helped me.

She wasn’t being punished for raping me, she was being punished for lying to campus police. I was then told I was welcome to file a criminal complaint, but there was almost no way that she would be found guilty of rape, or even sexual assault. All the DNA proved was that sexual contact did take place. He said that they didn’t believe me at all when I first showed up, but they had proof positive that the other girl was lying with the surveillance footage, so they decided to send the boxers in for the DNA lift.

To this day, I have to live with the knowledge that my rapist wasn’t punished at all for raping me. I was happy I wouldn’t have to see her around campus, but that didn’t matter much at that point. My ex girlfriend still didn’t believe me, even after showing her paperwork from the police. She started dating someone else the next semester, and I ended up transferring the next year. I know I’m better off without someone who would believe a (police proven) liar over the man with her for 2 years.

I just want people to know that men can get raped too. I can understand the reasoning behind my rapist not being in jail, but I can’t understand the difference in treatment that society shows to men and women who have been raped. I got words of support and encouragement from a couple of my oldest, dearest friends, not even my parents. That was it.

Please don’t believe that men can’t be raped, it happens, and it is just as bad as a woman being raped. Rape is rape, no means no, it doesn’t matter if you are a man or woman.

Take a look at other experiences from other rape survivors

Update: Reader responses to this experience – http://injusticestories.com/reader-responses-to-the-male-rape-experience/

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3 thoughts on “Yes, I’m a Guy. Yes, I was Raped”

  1. My experience was just as horrible. I was raped by my then-finacee after being attacked (domestic violence). In the end, I ended up having to drop charges against her in return for the court finding her charges against me as not having any merit (or something to that effect). My lawyer ended up making the deal to protect my security clearance.

    Worse, even though I filed against her, they listed me as the defendant instead of the plaintiff since she filed a counterclaim against me witha a false charge.

    The burden of proof for men is extreme, whereas many courts will take a woman’s word…

    My heart is with you and any person that has suffered rape.

  2. Thank you for sharing your story. Sadly it is shockingly common both for males to experience sexual victimization and a profound lack of support and help.

    Please know you are not alone. There are millions of men who experience many kinds of sexual violence. It is absolutely possible to heal. The key is to find a community of support, and people who can share their compassion with you.

    There is a lot of information at malesurvivor.org that may help you.

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